Welcome to The Pump Dome!

This is Project Pump. My name is Golden Pump. Well, actually, it's not, it's Daniel James Whitell. But that's not the most exciting name, so I like to go by the name of Golden E. Pump. Not that anyone actually calls me that apart from myself, of course.

Project Pump comes about from extreme boredom. I could claim to be an exciting person, but the reality is more disappointing that way. I am a writer who likes to write about himself, and is in desperate need of a hobby. So, I racked my brain for hours, and then it hit me like Ray Charles and a lampost. Maybe I could write about myself for a hobby! And other things that are just as unappealing and trivial!

Once I had finished the meticulous planning for this huge project, I then decided it was time to embark upon a journey. Waving goodbye to inactivity and tedious dullness; I stand before the road with nothing but a keyboard.

As I type, my fingers tremble with responsibility. I have but one reader (myself), and am plagued by the sudden realisation that maybe my writings will not even be enough to quench even a single thirst for reading about nothing. But fear not, young Pump, for there is already enough meaninglessness on this interactive dual-carriageway that surely yours cannot be singled out for being the most unfathomably boring blog in the universe!

So go and type, my Golden little friend. Type as though you were on a television sitcom, and you were randomly pressing keys so as to give the illusion of typing! Type as though you were a monkey, one of an infinite number, and enslaved in order to be sat at a typewriter amongst your endless fellow captives, and were doomed to type constantly until the complete works of Billy Shakespeare were extracted from your raw, weary fingertips.

It is with the image of the latter that Project Pump begins. For surely if I press enough keys, and follow enough tangents, then I'll end up with a masterpiece?

I think that's what Tarantino thought when he made Deathproof.

"Sure, I'll make my characters dull and one-dimensional. But there will be enough of them, and they will say so many inconsequential things, that if I maintain this balance for long enough, I'll end up with a new Pulp Fiction."

Oh Quentin, how I baulked at the very notion. Seriously, over the course of a couple of hours you turned Kurt Russell from a badass into someone who resembles a very good friend of mine when drunk. Whinging and moaning, but unable to stay away from girls. Albeit not because he wants to maim them with a stunt car. And what it the blue fudge was that ending about?

I would normally place a spoiler alert here. But I'm not going to, because the ending to this movie is not an ending. It's a stilettoed kick in the face. Literally. Bah, girl power wins, and Mr Tarantino gets unduly praised for crapping in the name of 'art'.

As one may gather from the previous sentence I am not a fan of girl power. This may or may not make me a misogynist. Don't get me wrong, I love strong females. Just so long as they don't hurt me. What I don't like to see is unnecessary feminism.

"Unnecessary feminism?!" I hear Emily Pankhurst cry with disgust from underneath some hooves. "Fie and poppycock!"

Women's rights. Yes. Strong badass female characters. Yes. Normal women being made into superheroes in films, whilst all their male counterparts die. No. It all stems from the rule of thumb in horror movies, that women cannot die if they are on screen for x amount of time. Michael Myers should have made Jamie Lee Curtis' (surprisingly attractive in a boyish way: see True Lies) ass into a belt in the first Halloween. Just how Kurt 'Snake Plissken' Russell should have turned these annoying wenches into chow mein at the end of Deathproof. Call it retribution all you like, but the whole male audience (read: whole audience) wanted to see them bitches get dead. Way to lose your key demographic to 'girl power'.

What if Tarantino had done this in other films? Like if in Reservoir Dogs, Mr Blonde had been played by Susan Sarandon, and instead of Michael Madsen's macabre dance of mutilation to the sounds of Stealers Wheel's 'Stuck in the Middle With You', we got Sarandon trying to look threatening, whilst listening to The Eurythmics & Aretha Franklin's 'Sister's Are Doing it For Themselves'. Girl power is good when used in the correct context. Just as rocket launchers and miniguns do not belong in Sex and the City, girl power does not belong in an action thriller. Ever.

And so ends the first ever random tangent of Project Pump. And with it, the post itself. The journey has begun, and we've learnt much already. Namely, Deathproof sucks, and so does needlessly indulgent feminism. Don't hate me, girls. More than you already do, anyway.

Peach and pumps!